My baby has made a habit of staying awake until 1:30 am and I don't know how to fix it. I am exhausted and upset, and I feel extremely alone. I don't know how many more nights like this I can take. I wish someone would take notice of how miserable I am. 

Worn clean out

Tonight I am thankful my kid is asleep before 1:30 a.m. like last night. I will be extra thankful if she doesn't wake up 6 million times so we are on time to church and not drowsing through the homily. 

Fuds

I'm thankful that we have food in our house and we don't have to rely on food pantries to help us out. There is no shame in reaching out when you need help. I'm just grateful that we haven't had to do so.

Buns, guns and abs + thankful things

I am on day 4 of a 30-day "Buns, Guns and Abs" challenge, in which I started with 50 squats, 5 push ups and 25 leg lifts and will ostensibly finish with 250 squats, 40 push ups and 100 leg lifts. It has not been easy, after all I did just have a baby and your stomach muscles do crazy, crazy things to accommodate your tiny human.

As always I forget to blog every day, so four things I am thankful for:  1) my relationship with my grandma. I talk to her probably once a week and it is really nice to have that connection still despite the fact that we live four hours away; 2) the Internet and my iPhone. Thanks to these two things, I am able to find workout challenges, healthy recipes, apps to start running, and I am connected to a wonderful group of moms who encourage and inspire me every day; 3) my dad. We haven't always had a super great relationship, but as I learn what it takes to be a parent, I appreciate what he has done for me more and more; 4) WIC peer counselors. Without the gentle guidance of my peer counselor, I probably would have given up breastfeeding. It has become incredibly important to me and a wonderful bond between my daughter and me that grows and grows. It's shameful that the government keeps cutting from that program, because it has been so important for so many moms. 

Day 10

I'm thankful for my family's health. We (my husband, my daughter and I) haven't been struck by any major illness aside from this whole PPD mess. My daughter's pediatrician always comments on her health, curiosity and advances in milestones. We've got some aches and pains, but overall we have been very blessed and I am grateful for it. 

Thankful digest

I am not great at blogging every day. Here's my thankful things day 3-9.

3. I am thankful I chose to breastfeed and fought through ppd, thrush and multiple bouts of mastitis to keep it up for 7 months and counting. Holding my baby in my arms, nourishing her, and seeing her sweet smiles is so wonderful. It more than makes up for the sore nipples and uterine contractions the first few days and weeks to hear her gulp the milk made especially for her and to see her growing. 

4. I'm thankful we live so close to the park and get to enjoy the beautiful fall leaves. 

5. I'm thankful for the relationship I have with my pets. I love snuggling up with my cats and dog. 

6. I'm thankful I'm being given a second chance to have a relationship with God. I am thankful my sins are forgiven and I can be better and help others. 

7. I am thankful I have been given the ability to express myself through writing. It is and has been an important outlet for me throughout life. 

8. I'm thankful for the roof over my head, the clothes on my back and the heat coming out of the ducts. I'm thankful for my hardworking husband who has provided for us the 10 months I've been differently employed.

9. I'm thankful for coffee. It's delicious and it helps me keep up with my tiny human. 

Giving thanks

A ton of friends and family are sharing the things they are thankful for this month, and I think I would like to do this as well. I am kind of uncomfortable with posting it on Facebook, because I feel like that's the modern equivalent of shouting it in the street. Posting it here is still sharing, of course, but it feels more intimate to me. I don't mind my family and friends who are doing this on Facebook, but I am guilty of curating my life a little on there and this is likely to be frank and personal. So here is where I shall post it. OK, I think I'm done rationalizing now.

 It's true that like most people, I have many, many things to be thankful for, and this is a nice meditation that will prevent me from taking things for granted.

 It's Nov. 2, so I will need to come up with two things for this post.

1: I am thankful that I am now healthy enough to recognize some of the things I did while pregnant and pp as unhealthy, or at least on the strange side. For some reason while I was pregnant, I found the brand name Nuk grating in the extreme, to the point where I felt compelled to mark out the name on some nipple balm with a sharpie. I'm not sure if that is actually a sign of ppd or anxiety, but I was cleaning out a closet and found the nipple balm. I was like, "Oh yeah, I remember that. Man that's kinda weird." 

On a more serious note, I thankfully have not had any instances of self harm or suicidal thoughts  (not ideation, just your garden variety 'I should just kill myself') since I got my dosage bumped up a smidge. I don't feel numb, I feel normal. Which feels awesome. 

2. I am thankful for my family. My husband who works so hard and who is so heart-meltingly good with our daughter. He has been so patient with me through this parenthood journey, from the days when I couldn't stop sobbing for no reason to the nights when I threw my hands up and had to leave the room. And my sweet, smart, beautiful, inquisitive daughter. Despite the ppd that robbed me of some happy moments, my baby and I have a wonderful bond. More than anything, my child has shown me the meaning of the word blessing. I understood it in an abstract way before, but now I really get it, I think; the feeling that something or someone has bestowed upon you a precious gift that is not to be taken lightly.